A Word to the Wise

Abusers abuse in secret, away from the public eye - privately. For example, I know of a family whose Father had a great personality and was a successful insurance salesman. I thought he was a very likeable guy. Little did we know, he was sexually abusing his children. I know of two other men who are highly successful and adored by the public, while behind closed doors they treat their loved ones like dirt. It is best to not hero-worship anyone. Eventually they fall off that high pedestal you put them on one way or the other. People are people even when they are highly revered publicly. We are all on equal, level ground. We all have weaknesses and strengths. There is physical, sexual, and verbal and emotional abuse. I want to focus on verbal and emotional abuse. This type of abuse is more prevalent because it is considered less criminal; however, the emotional and mental scars left behind by this abuse are just as severe. (Physical abuse can lead to loss of life and is certainly the ultimate severity. This abuse should never be down-played). Because of this fact, it needs to be brought to light and highlighted more frequently, in my opinion. Just like other abusers, these type abusers may have a pristine reputation publicly, while privately they dump negative, abusive emotions, and damaging words on their choice of a scapegoat. They blame all their negative emotions on the unfortunate victim, while in reality they themselves are actually the ones who lack self-control and are responsible for their bad mood and hate-filled words - not the so-called "scapegoat". The first step to a godly response to this type abuser, and this is highly important, is to by God's grace, not by your feelings, but out of sheer obedience to God's Word, forgive the abuser. If you do not forgive the perpetrator of the abuse you will form a dead, hard, black spot on your heart that will embitter you. You will get stuck in the cycle of never letting go of the hurt and repeating the abuse over and over in your heart and mind. You will never have peace if you do not forgive. In order to heal you have to deal. Unless you forgive the perpetrator and heal from your wounds, you will mimic your abuser. Abuse is passed on like a sickness. It is a generational curse that is passed down from generation after generation. But the buck can stop with you. You can stop the perpetuation of this insidious act by dealing head-on with the abuse and healing completely from it with God's help. You have the choice to utilize your healthy self-control when someone verbally abuses you. You can decide to not participate in this evil dance by not responding in kind. Only you can control how you feel about yourself. You have the power to not allow that person to ruin your self-esteem. This is not to say that you will not feel hurt, betrayed, anger or fear. It is important to deal with how you feel about the abuse. Face it, allow yourself to feel it and air it out privately. In the heat of the moment, if you cannot respond peacefully, then say nothing and walk away or hang up the phone, whatever the case may be. This will send a strong message to the abuser "this is my boundary and you are not to cross over it". When you have dealt with what is going on inside of you, then and only then will you be able to quietly and honestly share your feelings. The key is to exhibit self-control to the person who is out-of-control. This contrast of behavior will hopefully jolt the abuser into an awareness of his or her own behavior. But always remember you cannot change or control the abuser. You can only control your own behavior. In order to gain the correct perspective it is helpful to realize and understand the abuser has a form of mental and or emotional illness. This is due to the fact that they have not dealt with the abuse they themselves have suffered. (This is in no way giving the abuser an excuse for how they act. They are to be held accountable for how they treat others.) Because of this, it is important to exhibit healthy behavior towards the sickened abuser. For certain, your response will confound and enrage the abuser because they only see relationships through an unhealthy lens. Your response is confusing to them because they have no conception of how to behave in a healthy manner towards others. In conclusion, be very careful to not make assumptions about people's private lives who have a pristine public persona. As the old adage goes, "You can't judge a book by it's cover." Also, do not be quick to judge those who have been abused. To quote an old 60's song, "Walk a mile in my shoes before you criticize and abuse." ❤TLC❤